Her eyes were like winter. I hated that they made me cold, but loved that they made me forget the heat. My life was burning to ashes but looking into the windows of her vulnerable soul brought me peace. Peace albeit temporal.
We fed off each other’s dejections. I was a lonely lion cub looking for love and she was a bereaved mother in the need for family. The sun met us and shared its light. We burned together like the romance of tinder, petrol and fire. We were toxic. We were our own poison. Feeding ourselves Arsenic with every compliment, every hair stroke , every dance, every candlelight dinner- one less atom of air to breathe.
So on that day, when ‘adventure’ took her away, I looked into her cold eyes one last time. I looked to see if her pupils dilated on seeing me, or if her sclera would fill up with tears. She blinked and shed not a tear. With a smug smile on her glowing face, she said to me:
‘This adventure takes me to a place you don’t want to go, a place you cannot go, a place you are not man enough to go. Goodbye Simba, see you in the place where the lights never go out’
These were her words when she demanded to be euthanised. You see, cancer was killing us both but I was too afraid to die for it. I preferred it killed me. She hated me for leaving her; it hurt that she left me.I often wonder why she was not afraid of death.
Two years later and the cancer has remitted. I am still that lonely lion cub, looking for a bosom to cuddle within.
♠ Tomi. O